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The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

introduction

from the book

“One of the strengths of The Seven Principles approach is its versatility in addressing all stages of a relationship.

 

This book is for you if you’re single and looking to ‘road test’ your relationship before making a permanent commitment. It is also for you if you’ve already committed and want to bolster and protect what you have. If you and your partner are facing dramatic life changes or challenges, The Seven Principles will help you keep connected. Following the guidance in the pages ahead may also rescue a marriage that is already in deep danger.

 

Of course, no relationship guide can salvage every marriage, nor is it true that every match ‘should’ be saved. Sometimes negativity and betrayal so consume a relationship that it has really already died by the time the couple seek support. But the right form of assistance can repair far more relationships and offer a greater degree of hope than the divorce statistics would suggest. Anyone who works with or studies couples is left humbled and awed by the tenacity, resourcefulness, and grit of people who love each other and are determined to make their marriages work. We wrote this book to be a fitting companion for their journey.”

 

 

 

John Gottman is the world’s leading researcher on the SCIENCE of what makes marriage work.

He’s been studying relationships in his University of Washington Love Lab for decades and has 42 years (!) of longitudinal data on what *really* makes love work. (We’ll touch on some of that wisdom in the Note. For now, hint: marital friendship.)

This book is truly fantastic. It’s easy to see why over 1 Million copies have been sold.

If you’re going to read just one book on how to optimize your marriage/relationship, make it this one. (Get a copy here.)

And, check out the Gottman Institute for more resources, workshops, etc. You can even find a Gottman-trained therapist in your area. (Search here and know that not all marriage therapists are created equal! :0)

The book is packed with a TON of super helpful mini-tests and exercises. It’s packed with wisdom and we’ll barely scratch the surface in this Note, but I’m excited to share a handful of my favorite Ideas. If you’re feelin’ it, I hope you explore further!

(Note: This is the revised and update 15-year anniversary version of the classic book: “Much has changed in the fifteen-plus years since the arrival of the first edition of The Seven Principles, but one fact has held constant: a romantic and sexual long-term committed relationship with another human remains the greatest gift life can offer. We hope this new edition of The Seven Principles safeguards and strengthens your relationship—and helps you add purpose and meaning to the life you build together.”)

 

predicting divorce with 91% accuracy

from the book

“Our goal was nothing more ambitious than to uncover the truth about marriage—to finally answer the questions that have puzzled people for so long:

 

Why is marriage so tough at times? Why do some lifelong relationships click, while others just tick away like a time bomb? And how can you prevent a marriage from going bad—or rescue one that is already in trouble?

 

Thanks to decades of research, these questions can finally be answered. In fact, I can predict with great precision whether a couple will stay happily together or lose their way after listening to them interact for as little as fifteen minutes! Over seven separate studies, my accuracy rate in making such predictions has averaged 91 percent. In other words, in 91 percent of the cases where I predicted that a couple’s marriage would eventually either fail or succeed, time proved me right. I don‘t think my success in foretelling divorce earns me any bragging rights because it isn’t due to some superhuman perception or intuition. Instead, it rests solely on the science: the decades of data my colleagues and I accumulated.”

 

 

 

Let’s start with the fact that Dr. Gottman can predict which couples who spend time in his Love Lab will get divorced with 91% (!!!) accuracy. After watching them interact for 15 minutes. (!!!)

How?

Data. Data. And more data.

42 years of data.

One of the key points Gottman makes throughout the book is that most marriage therapists rely on OPINION when they try to help couples optimize. He relies on rigorous SCIENCE.

Opinion vs. Science.

There’s a big difference. The fact is that a lot of the “opinion” out there just doesn’t work. (Which is why you should choose your therapists wisely. I’d pick from here!)

It’s always wise to lean into the science. :)

So, let’s take a quick look at what we now know about how to make marriages work!

 

the 7 principles

from the book

“It soon became apparent that these happy marriages were never perfect unions.

 

Some couples who said they were very satisfied with each other still had significant differences in temperament, interests, and family values. Conflict was not infrequent. They argued, just as the unhappy couple did, over money, jobs, kids, housekeeping, sex, and in-laws. The mystery was how they so adroitly navigated their way through these difficulties and kept their marriages happy and stable.

 

It took studying hundreds of couples to uncover the secrets of these emotionally intelligent marriages. No two marriages are the same, but the more closely my research team and I looked at happy marriages, the more evident it became that they were alike in seven telltale ways. Happily married couples may not be aware that they follow these Seven Principles, but they all do. Unhappy marriages always came up short in at least one of these seven areas—and usually in many of them. By mastering these Seven Principles, you can ensure that your own marriage will thrive.”

 

 

First, rule #1: Just as Abraham Maslow tells us there are no perfect human beings, John Gottman tell us: There are NO perfect marriages.

None. Not even one.

And, your marriage will not be the first. :)

With that in mind, here’s a super quick look at the 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work (of course, each has its own chapter in the book):

Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps. How well do you know your partner? Thriving couples have a thorough “Love Map” of their partner’s dreams, values and essence.

Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration. How much do you really like your partner? Thriving couples nurture a deep sense of fondness and admiration. They cherish one another.

Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away. Happy couples consistently find ways to CONNECT—they are attuning themselves to one another by turning toward each other.

Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You. Happy couples embody a willingness to yield in order to win—they let one another influence each other and don’t always need to be domineeringly “right.”

Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems. There are two types of problems: solvable and perpetual. (Surprisingly, 69% are unsolvable!) And… There are some key practices to resolving the solvable ones! We’ll talk about this more in a moment.

Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock. Then there are the unsolvable problems—the perpetual ones. We need to work to overcome gridlock so these differences (that exist in ALL relationships and form the bulk of what we argue about) don’t become irreconcilable differences.

Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning. Happy couples embrace the four pillars of shared meaning: rituals of connection + support for each other’s roles + shared goals + shared values and symbols.

P.S. Before we jump into a few of these in more detail: I’ll make another strong rec to get the book! I’ll also note that, as into all this optimizing stuff as I am, I initially resisted reading the book. I always prefer to lean into the peak performance, etc. themes :) and it was easy to put this one off.

Then, as we approached our 9th anniversary and Alexandra’s 37th birthday, she was excited for us to invest more energy into our relationship. We have put so much energy into our personal optimization and parenting our 3 1/2 year old and it was time to reinvest more energy into our relationship.

So, as a birthday + anniversary present, I dove into the book and created this Note (and created a cool Love note that was part of the second principle) and here we are.

All that to say:

Ladies, if your men aren’t SUPER excited to jump into this book, be patient. (Hah!)

Gentlemen: Dive in. The water’s warm. It’s awesome.)

 

cherish your partner

from the book

“Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect. They cherish each other, which is critical to keeping their Sound Relationship House intact and preventing betrayal. If fondness and admiration are completely missing, reviving the relationship is impossible."

 

 

 

Cultivating fondness and appreciation. This is Principle #2. Cherishing your partner.

In the grind of everyday life, it’s (obviously) super easy to get all caught up in the details that we forget about all that is truly AWESOME about our partners. Why we fell in love and chose to spend our lives with them in the first place!

The antidote?

Happy couples keep that fondness and appreciation alive by looking for little things they can appreciate about their partner throughout the day and communicating those little things often.

SIMPLE things like “Thanks for making the dinner. It was delicious.” to “Thanks for being such a great mom.” (Two of my favs. :)

This chapter also has some great, simple exercises that I really enjoyed doing—from simply listing all the things you appreciate about your partner to remembering + reliving the early days of when you first met and fell in love (couples that are struggling have a tough time remembering the great beginnings).

My favorite was called “Cherishing Your Partner.” Basic idea: There were dozens of positive qualities listed (from “Active” and “Adaptable” to “Witty” and “Worthy”). Our assignment was to pick the ten qualities we most appreciate and then write our partner a love note expressing how much we cherish him or her for those qualities.

Here are the 10 I created: Your YOUness + Your ALL-INness + Your Momma Goddess-ness + Your Love of Learning + Your Dance Moves + Your Willingness to Experiment & Evolve + Your Authenticity + Your Sexiness + Your Wisdom + Your Support of Me.

(And, bonus! Alexandra says we can share the whole love note. Here it is.)

What do YOU love about your partner?!

Think about the Top 10 things you most adore and take the time to write your Love a little love note. Yah, you’re busy. And this is important. They’ll LOVE it. Let’s do it NOW!!

Get started with the Top 10 qualities you most love:

1. ________________

2. ________________

3. ________________

4. ________________

5. ________________

1. ________________

2. ________________

3. ________________

4. ________________

5. ________________

(Seriously, PLEASE take the time to do this one. If it’s the only exercise you ever do from these Notes, it’ll be huge. I promise! :)

 

turning toward = huge love move

from the book

“Hollywood has distorted our notions of romance and what makes passion sizzle.

 

Watching Humphrey Bogart gather teary-eyed Ingrid Bergman into his arms may make your heart pound, but real-life romance is fueled by far more humdrum scenes. It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life. In marriage, couples are always making what I call ‘bids’ for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a backrub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill. The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away. A tendency to turn toward your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life. Comical as it may sound, romance is strengthened in the supermarket aisle when your partner asks, ‘Are we out of butter?’ and you answer, ‘I don’t know. Let me go get some just in case,’ instead of shrugging apathetically. It grows when you know your spouse is having a bad day at work and you take a few seconds out of your schedule to send him an encouraging text. In all of these instances, partners are making a choice to turn toward rather than away.”

 

 

 

Turning toward our partner instead of away. This is Principle #3.

Our partners are always making “bids” for our attention. Whether we accept that invitation to connect or not is one of the greatest predictors of the longevity of our relationship.

Get this: Gottman did a 6-year follow-up study of newlyweds. For those who were still married, the partner’s responded to each other’s bids 86% of the time.

For those who got divorced? They only responded 33% of the time.

How about you?

NOTE: One of the best ways to wind up on the wrong side of that math is to act like a tech rat constantly plugged into your digital stimulation.

PUT DOWN YOUR SMARTPHONE and engage with your loved ones.

Gottman talks about this and says: “In some cases, constantly checking e-mails, postings, tweets, and text messages can lead to a sort of addiction in which distraction itself becomes a habit. In his book The Shallows: What the Internet Is Doing to Our Brains, Nicholas Carr documents research that indicates self-distraction has become a permanent, unconscious habit for many people. … The old cliche of the husband who hides behind the newspaper has been replaced by the spouse of either gender who is tapping out texts, scanning social media, or engrossed in one of those irresistible cell-phone games.”

Check out our Notes on Carr’s The Shallows for more and remember the iPhone effect!! Simply having your smartphone in sight diminishes the quality of an interaction.

 

solve the solvable problems via good manners

from the book

“By studying intently what these couples did do, I have come up with a new model for resolving conflict in a loving relationship. My fifth principle entails the following steps:

 

1. Soften your start-up.

2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts.

3. Soothe yourself and each other.

4. Compromise.

5. Process any grievances so that they don’t linger.

 

Most of these steps take very little training because we all pretty much have these skills already; we just got out of the habit of using them in our most intimate relationship. To a certain degree, my fifth principle comes down to having good manners. It means treating your spouse with the same respect you offer to company. If a guest leaves an umbrella, we say, ‘Here. You forgot your umbrella.’ We would never think of saying, ‘What’s wrong with you? You are constantly forgetting things. Be a little more thoughtful for God’s sake! What am I, your slave to go picking up after you?’ We are sensitive to the guest’s feelings, even if things don’t go so well. When a guest spills wine, we say, ‘No problem. Would you like another glass?’ not, ‘You just ruined my best tablecloth. I can’t depend on you to do anything right. I will never invite you to my home again.’”

 

 

 

The fifth principle: How to solve your solvable problems.

Get the book for the full breakdown but know this: If we simply treated our most intimate relationship with the same common courtesy we treat guests to our home we’d pretty much be there.

Laughing. Seriously. Let’s do that.

 

"I love you" starts with the "i"

from the book

“The story of Aaron and Courtney reflects what goes wrong 85 percent of the time in marriages.

 

If you consider yourself inadequate, you are always on the lookout for what is not there in yourself and your partner. And let’s face it: anyone you marry will be lacking in certain desirable qualities. The problem is that we tend to focus on what’s missing in our mate and overlook the fine qualities that are there—we take those for granted.

 

If you recognize yourself in the description of the self-critic, the best thing you can do for yourself and your marriage is to work on accepting yourself with all of your flaws. As I look back on my own life, I realize that forgiving myself for all my imperfections has made an immense difference in my role as a husband and father.”

 

 

 

That’s from the very last section in the book.

Alexandra and I shared similar wisdom in the first Big Idea of our LOVE 101 class: If we want to optimize our relationship with our partner, we need to start by optimizing our relationship with ourselves.

The suggested exercise to make that happen? Thanksgiving. Dr. Gottman encourages us to try to be aware of our tendency to criticize and shift to seeing what’s right. Tal Ben-Shahar calls it being a “benefit finder” rather than a “fault finder.”